In fact, I only found out today was Easter Sunday when, earlier around 1pm, I drove to the supermarket and found the parking lot completely empty.

Why is it shut? Sundays are open until 4pm.
Well, not today.

Then I had a message from my friend Laura. We were together yesterday filming some titty talks (don’t ask) and she told me there was this French guy on Instagram leaving long comments under her posts talking about me. Well, Miss Dawson, you know. According to him, he lent me money for a bunch of completely ridiculous things. Including me being in Bolivia and having to pay some inheritance tax after my parents death 😯

Total insanity.

Why he is commenting on her account and not mine remains a mystery, but I can tell you that today, this was the last thing I needed.

Clearly, the man has been scammed by someone using my photos, because whatever story he believes, it has nothing to do with me.

There’s also been a few other things lately. A few realizations. About people. About life. About the general state of things.

And what I have realized is that you may find people smarter than me, more intelligent, with more credentials and therefore more credibility, more beautiful, certainly taller 🙄, less Spanish, etc. etc... but you won’t find anyone with more integrity than me.

Equal, yes.
More? No.

And integrity is something many people these days cannot exactly brag about.

Anyway. Venting done.

So I stuck some junk food in the air fryer, made myself a gin and tonic, and switched on Netflix (if the day had been normal, I’d be on Youtube instead).

Yep. That was the level of “a day” I was having.

And then, after the usual ritual of almost giving up because I can never find anything I actually want to watch, I landed on a film called Ordinary Angels.

I already knew I was going to need tissues, so I was prepared.

But man.

My heart melted like the ice in the gin. My eyes still hurt and my chest feels like someone has shoved a basketball under my ribs. Strange feeling.

I am going to spoil it a little, so fair warning, but it’s worth it. Especially now. Especially looking at the state of the world.

The film is based on a true story and yes, I’m sure parts of it are dramatized for tension and emotional impact (understandable) but it still hit hard.

Tip: when you have one of “those days” and feel like crying, watch it. Assuming you’re not a psychopath.

The basic story is about a little girl in Kentucky in 1994 who needs a liver transplant.

But that’s not even the part I want to talk about.

The last part of the film is one of the most powerful things I have seen in years.

What moved me was not just the little girl’s situation. It was watching a whole town step out of private life and into shared humanity. People shoveling snow. Searching. Calling. Organizing. Doing whatever they could. Not because they had to. Because they cared.

That was...wow! Not one hero but a whole community together.

Miracles do not always come from above. Sometimes they come through ordinary, flawed, struggling people who decide to care.

That, to me, is the deepest part.

Because ordinary lives are not ordinary at all.

And here’s what I believe: deep down, we are all like that. Kind. Loving. Compassionate. Our souls know there is only one of us here, scattered into millions of little sparks, wearing different faces and names and lives.

And yet, apparently, it takes extreme circumstances for that truth to break through.

Why?

Why do we wait until things become unbearable to remember each other?

We don’t actually want to fight each other. It makes no sense. We want to help each other. We want to love and be loved. We want to feel that we belong to something bigger than our own little private struggle.

Wouldn’t we all be happier if everyone else was happier too?

Utopia.

I know.

I’m not trying to sound silly or woo-woo. I know the world is not that simple.

But I will say this: the more people wake up to that truth and choose love over hatred, compassion over power, humanity over money, the better this place becomes.

And maybe that is what moved me so much about this film (well the fact I felt like shit did not help).

I also know there are many movies like this, which, to me, confirms that’s our natural state of being. I think I am going to look up “Pay it Forward” next. It’s coming to mind now and that one is definitely sobbing material.

If kindness moves us so deeply, that must mean something fundamental about who we are. Tell me: don’t you get moved when you see kindness and cooperation? And...don’t you get upset when you see war?

Then... Why are we still playing by the rules of a game that some psychopaths with deep issues decide in a board room? It’s just insane, isn’t it?

Have a great day/afternoon/evening/night 💞

Eva :)

Now… that goes against every YouTube success course where you are supposed to have a plan, a schedule, a filming day, an editor, a thumbnail designer (like what?! I just literally screenshot my mug and add a text 😅)… nah! Not me, I do it my way (my favorite song).

(I’ll omit the part where I should say I am not very successful at YouTube and making money with it though 😂😂😂)

Venus and Mars War

I might be coming back to this for a while because I realize that what we are lacking as a society is not more sisterhoods and brotherhoods… but HUMANhoods.

And I am not saying the gendered ones are wrong at all, they are cool. I was in a sisterhood of two last weekend (my friend Laura and I, that is) and just found out that most women cannot orgasm during penetration. I was like…🫥 I had to google it and ask the robots! I had no idea!

So I can understand a little bit better now when older women who hardly orgasm during their marriage, get divorced and get all hyped up with the ‘women empowerment and self-pleasure’. I mean, bless them.

But not my case at all. And when I told Laura that, except for my very first time at 18 (when I did not even know what I was doing), the rest of the time (you-know-what-I-mean) not only have I not missed one but I also make it happen at the same time (you-also-know-what-I-mean) - she was like…: WTF, you’re a man! 😆

Last time I looked between my legs I wasn’t - but I have always had this instinct that I was one in my previous lifetimes 🤷‍♀️

Anyways - back to the script we didn’t write.

The video: it starts with my family and their scripts… but it ends up being about all of us. About me. About you. About the story running your life. Where it came from. Why changing the outside never seems to stick. And the one question that kicks off the self-inquiry.

Watch it here →

And if it lands - I’m running a workshop called Go Off Script where we do this work together. Paid subscribers, you’re in for free. Everyone else, watch this space.

Eva :)

Well, me. 🙄

I’ve been a bit missing for a week or so, and I wanted to explain why, because you may have seen my last video a few days ago and thought: what is this all about?

I know. And I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be confusing, but as things stand, I can’t really help it. It is confusing.

Or at least, it looks confusing from the outside.

From the inside, what’s happening is actually quite simple: I have reached a point where I can no longer ignore the gap between the life I’m living and the life that feels true.

And that is what you are witnessing in real time.

It’s not a dramatic overnight collapse but the very real struggles ( which I do believe are blessings in disguise ) of a 52-year-old woman realizing that the version of herself she has been living is no longer the one she wants to continue feeding.

If you’ve been following me for a while ( I mean really following me, not just scrolling past a photo here and there) you’ll have noticed that this shift has been happening for some time now. This did not come out of nowhere. It has been building for months.

The video I recently published, Whatever Happened to Miss Dawson?, was not random. It was simply the moment where something I had been feeling privately for a long time became impossible not to say out loud.

Because the truth is: Miss Dawson has been a role. A persona. A stage name. A version of me that served a purpose, and perhaps served it well. But a role is not the same thing as a soul.

My real name is not Rose. It is Eva.

Eva means life - the living one. No wonder it feels like a return.

So there you go. It’s Eva, actually.

Saying that publicly felt liberating, and that alone tells me it was the right thing to do.

In a few years’ time, I don’t think it will feel strange at all. Right now, perhaps it does. Transitions are awkward like that. They are rarely neat, rarely clean, and almost never as straightforward as people want them to be.

And that includes the practical side of all this too. I’m still not entirely sure what I’ll do with social media. It turns out changing the handle of a verified account is not exactly the smoothest process in the world, so time will tell. This won’t be some perfectly tidy rebrand where everything changes overnight and all the little boxes line up nicely.

Life is not a Canva template.

One thing I do want you to understand, though, is that if you see me “active” on Instagram or elsewhere, it may mean very little. I’ve been reusing content there for a long time. Social media, for me, is a tool. I do not consume it. I use it.

Substack and YouTube are where I want to be more fully from now on. Those are the places where I can actually think, speak, and create in a way that feels more aligned with where I’m going.

And where am I going?

Well… into what I’ve been calling the Eros Path.

Not because I’m trying to sound fancy, but because I needed a name for something I had already begun to discover and couldn’t ignore anymore.

The Eros Path is not a path you follow.

It is a path you make.

The simplest way I can explain it is this: it is the difference between waking up into a life you actually want to live and waking up with that familiar feeling of: “Oh no… this shit again. Let me scroll a bit, have a drink, distract myself, numb myself, postpone myself.”

The Eros Path is about aliveness. Alignment. Purpose. Energy that wants to move toward life instead of away from it.

And no, this doesn’t only apply to artists, mystics, or people with unusual lives.

I was speaking today with an old ex-boyfriend of mine, who is a musician and has made a living through music his whole adult life. At one point I found myself saying to him, “You are living the erotic life!”

And he immediately understood what I meant.

It is a Sunday. He was having his coffee, as I was having mine, and when we finished talking he told me he was heading to the studio to finish some work before taking his dog for a long walk later.

Sunday!

Now, if you’re in the herd mentality, Sunday is not a work day, right?

But if you are living an erotic life, Sunday is as good as Tuesday. Because the thing you call “work” is not a dead obligation you drag yourself toward. It is where your energy actually wants to go. It is part of the current of your life.

That, to me, is living erotically.

And just to be clear, I am not saying you need to be a musician, or some wild creative, or quit your job and run barefoot into the hills. You can have a regular 9-to-5, work as a plumber, work in an office, whatever - and still live erotically.

Because it is not only what you do.

It is how you do it.
How you feel in your life.
Whether your days are connected to you or merely endured by you.

That’s the conversation I’m interested in now.

Not fantasy for fantasy’s sake.

Life.

Real life.

And perhaps that is why this whole last week felt so important.

Stonehenge

I was in Stonehenge for the equinox, and it was magical. We got up at 3am, arrived around 5am, then walked in the dark toward the stones to watch the sunrise.

It felt powerful, ancient, symbolic - like standing inside a threshold. It was freaking 0 degrees Celsius too 😅

Astrologically, the sky right now is intense. There are transits happening that mark the end of one chapter and the beginning of another. I know astrology gets resistance. I know many intelligent people dismiss it. But I also know what I have seen, what I have felt, and the moments of recognition it can give people when they are willing to look.

And yes, many people have a reading, have their little aha moment, and then go straight back to their same life, bored as fuck, as if nothing happened.

That frustrates me sometimes.

Not because I want everyone to become an astrologer, but because it says so much about how hard it is for human beings to really change - even when they are shown something true about themselves.

The whole week in Avalon felt transformative to me. A rebirth, really.

And what came out of it was a kind of breakup.

Not with another person.

With myself.
Or rather, with a version of myself that had served its purpose and now feels strange, distant, and no longer fully mine.

That is what this moment is.

That is what this shift is.

And maybe the clearest way to say all of this is this:

Sometimes confusion is not a sign that you are lost. Sometimes it is what happens when an old identity is dying before the new one is fully formed.

That is where I am.

And maybe some of you are there too.

So no, I do not have a polished conclusion for you yet. I am still in it. Still feeling it. Still making the path by walking it.

But I do know this much:

There comes a point when the life that still “works” no longer feels alive. And when that moment comes, the bravest thing you can do is stop pretending you don’t feel it.

More to come soon.

Eva :)

I went for my favorite food which, ironically and annoyingly, is the one my digestive system hates the most: pizza.

I could eat pizza every fucking day. Just throw different ingredients on top and call it a balanced diet 😅. But at this point it’s a scientific fact that carbohydrates gather in my stomach, form a secret society, and plot against me.

Still, from time to time, I don’t give a f*ck. Because I’ve learned something important: even when steak and eggs made me feel amazing digestion-wise… I felt erotically miserable. Bored. Sad.

So now, I eat healthy - except when I don’t.
I don’t drink alcohol - except when I do.
That’s the dynamic.

One thing though: I don’t eat much. One meal a day plus a snack and I’m done. Last night’s pizza was a push. And let’s be honest - we are overfed as a society in more ways than one.

As a solo woman in the middle of a restaurant (and a nosey one), I naturally observed what everyone else was eating.

On my right: two women catching up. Work stories. HR. Team meetings. They ordered dough balls as a starter… and then one pizza each.

So it’s bread and then bread again? I’ve never understood that.

On my left: a woman, three kids, and what I believe was a man dressed as a woman. Not judging. Just observing. My mind made up a whole story: divorced mother falls for someone unexpected and is having the time of her life in the bedroom.

The interesting part? She had a starter, a full pizza like mine, brownie with ice cream, and coffee.

How?

The other adult just had pasta 🤷‍♀️

Meanwhile, I was staring at the name of my pizza:

“Will You Marry Me” Chicken.

The chicken did not marry me. It was, honestly, meh.

But the name made me laugh because now, apparently, I am ready to marry.

Let me explain.

The Marriage I Never Wanted

If I have to label myself for the sake of conversation, I’ve always been anti-marriage.

In my twenties, I was a singer. I did hundreds of wedding gigs. Some weekends three of them. Saturday lunch, Saturday dinner, Sunday lunch. I saw everything: backstage panic, family fights, near heart attacks over seating plans.

They built toward perfection for months ( or years!) and in a few hours it evaporated.

It always felt like a theatrical production.

Then I looked at what came after in many cases: obligation, compromise, quiet resentment, freedom quietly packing and leaving the household.

So I was outspoken about it and my mum worried.

I met the father of my children in 1999 when I was 25. Unconventional life. Dropped out before college. Boyfriends. Gigs. No roadmap.

Then something shifted. I moved in with him. Went back to university while working full time. Got fitter than I had ever been (I was really hot, by the way - I just didn’t know it).

I was constantly taking pictures of my body but, believe me, I was never happy with it. Now I look at it and I literally wanna cry 😭

Maternity came at 32 (soon after those gorgeous pictures). Again at 34. And at 37, in 2012, the eagle that had been dormant woke up. It wanted expansion, air, meaning… not just function.

(note I was still single at this stage)

We moved countries that year (long story).

Then someone (not me) suggested we should get married “just in case” the kids were taken away from us 🙄

So we did. We signed papers at the city council on a rainy day with two neighbors as witnesses. No dress. No photos. No fairy tale. My instinct had been right all along.

I have yet to see a personal advantage to that contract in my own story.

The Marriage Myth

What fascinates me now is not bitterness - it’s patterns.

We are expected to choose a career at 18 when we don’t even know who we are. Then we’re expected to find “the one,” fall in love (which temporarily turns you into an idiot), and build a life around a version of ourselves that hasn’t individuated yet.

No one talks about individuation unless you fall down a Jungian rabbit hole.

So what happens?

You follow borrowed scripts. You fulfill expectations (mainly from your parents) and build your own prison with total unawareness of what you’re actually doing.

And if you don’t follow that script, you feel like a failure. Total madness.

Then midlife arrives. You look back, forward, left, right… and find yourself in a life that, even if, conventionally successful, functional and stable, it feels like you’re sleeping next to one of your mates.

That realization hurts the soul in a very quiet way (more of this coming up).

My New Theory

So why am I ready to marry now at 52?

Because now I know who I am. I know what I want and what I don’t want.
And I genuinely don’t care what anyone expects from me anymore.

After my last relationship ended (not my marriage), I fell into a deep hole. And that hole was the best education I’ve ever had.

There was a phase of: “I will never have a relationship again. I want my space. My autonomy. My table for one.”

And for the first time in my life (at 50 then) I was truly alone and it was confronting but also liberating.

“Table for one” is cool but here’s the truth: recently I’ve met a couple of men who challenged that certainty.

And I realized something surprising: I could consciously marry now 😊

What Does “Consciously Marry” Mean?

It means self-awareness, freedom, mutual respect, emotional maturity (big huge this one!), soul-led connection, desire, fire, sexual attraction, spontaneity in the ordinary.

Not scheduled “date nights” like business meetings 🙄

Real aliveness.

The traditional model works beautifully if your priority is structure and stability but it works less beautifully if your priority is erotic vitality.

So here’s the paradigm shift I propose:

You build a family when you’re ready and willing (like most of us have done). You give it everything consciously but, if one day romantic love ends, you part with dignity instead of staying half-dead to preserve appearances.

Not “till death do us part.”

More like: “till life do us part.”

You keep sacred what you built but you don’t chain two evolving souls to a script written by ancestors who never heard about therapy or self-awareness.

It can be done because I’ve done it.

And if I never marry again and remain a “table for one”, it will still have been worth it because the pain of staying half-dead was far greater than the slight unease of not having anyone who holds me tonight…

I would rather miss someone than miss myself.

Love,

Rose 🌹

I didn’t until very recently.

If I had to choose a word to describe Ariel, it would be: classy 😊

In this conversation with her, we didn’t talk about shock value or performance.

We talked about identity.
Loneliness and sexless marriages.
Fantasy vs. aliveness.

Integrity (or rather lack of) in the industry 🙄
And my favorite question:

If you had $100 million tomorrow… would you still be living the life you’re living?

Watch the full conversation here:

You might need a cuppa (or a Gin or whatever)...it’s long.

You can find her story in her memoir: Playing To Lose: How a Jehovah's Witness Became a Submissive BDSM Model

Her Youtube channel HERE.
Her Substack:

And the crowdfunding for her second book #Dirty here 👉 https://ariel-anderssen-author.myshopify.com/

Enjoy,

Rose 🌹

This is my first trip away on my own this year, and it won’t be the last. In case you don’t know, this is kind of shadow therapy for me (long story).

I planned to stay locked up in the hotel room and write my book, but I didn’t. The weather is gorgeous, and I took a long walk (10K+ steps, yayyy!). I loved it and almost didn’t want to return to the hotel.

Eventually, I did come back after buying a small bottle of wine (just trying to behave) and some of my favorite olives. I had lunch earlier (see picture below) and am still full, but a snack won’t hurt. Plus, all the great minds and artists had long walks and wine and did nothing to come up with their genius muse at some point.

(I may have made that up.)

So, the book remains untouched, but now I am writing for you because I fancy it. I just had a bath with candles and suddenly thought, “Fuck, are you allowed to do that?” I remember my daughter said they aren’t allowed candles—therefore, fire—in their rooms.

Now I’m panicking, so I’ll have to get rid of the evidence just in case. These people have my ID. I don’t even know if you’re allowed to have a bath, although there is a bathtub; I had to buy a plug from the corner Chinese shop.

It’s kind of lucky that I flew in today. The government has issued a warning on all phones (no joke), and tomorrow all activities are suspended due to strong winds. Plus, I got room number 333, which is a lucky number too.

Now all I need is a hot husband whose only goal in life is to make me happy 😊

Only joking (well, not really).

Going to bed now, will carry on later…

Read more

So I’m starting a new series only for premium subscribers 😁

“HE TOLD ME”

If I haven’t said it enough times 🙄 I’m going through a personal transformation that started a few years ago. Don’t panic - it doesn’t have to be that long if you’re going through something similar. This is just how it has unfolded for me.

My life went upside down in 2017.
Then again in 2020 (we probably share that one).
Then again in 2022.
And again in 2024.

I’m not even joking.

But this is it. It’s 2026. And things are finally starting to come back together.

And one thing I’ve realized is this:

My life revolves around men.

Yes.

Looking back: my favourite teachers were men, my co-workers were men, my bosses were men, my bandmates were men… my subscribers now are men, my astrologer, my mentor... men.

And I honestly think my energy attracts men.

No, wait. Stop the dirty thoughts. Not in that way (only 😉).

I’m talking about “energetic attraction”.

And I can prove it.

How? Don’t be impatient, in a separate post coming up.

I’m going to start sharing (anonymously) the stories men have confided in me over the years. I have so many. And I realize how, without them knowing, their stories could help so many other people… but most men never share these things.

So I’ll do it for them.

And I’ll start with one of mine.

Back in November, I met an old boyfriend. I was 25 when we dated. He was 32.

After 25 years without seeing each other, he opened up to me in a way that shocked me.

Before meeting in person, we spoke on the phone for nearly two hours and laughed a lot. He makes me laugh and that’s a turn-on by the way. FYI.

When we met, it honestly felt like no time had passed. Within half an hour, we were back in that familiar dynamic: best friends, interested in each other, listening, caring.

He still looked at me “that way.”
He was the only man who has ever looked at me “that way”.

After a few tapas (we were in Spain, of course), he started opening up.

He told me his current partner of almost 20 years reminds him of me. Even his family had told him that when he first started dating her.

And then he said it.

“But we haven’t had sex in almost ten years.”

I nearly spat my martini.

Read more

There is one thing that happens when you reach a certain level of awareness about something: once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

Over the last few years, I’ve had hundreds of conversations with men. Different ages, different countries, different life situations. And yet, for the majority, the same themes kept repeating themselves underneath the surface.

For some, confusion and restlessness.
For most, a constant pull toward screens, fantasy and stimulation (and with a strange emptiness afterward).

For almost everyone... numbness.

This experience along with my own intimate family story of lives half lived... crawls under my skin (and then I wonder what’s wrong with my face!😓).

At first - and bearing in mind I have been selling fantasy online for 6 years - I thought this was just “how things are now.” The price of living online. But the more I reflected about it, the clearer it became that something deeper was happening... not to a few men, but to many.

And guess what! This isn’t even about sex.

That might sound strange coming from me, but it’s true.

What I kept realizing, the more I thought and researched, was that it wasn’t excess desire (or what society loves to label as “sex” or “porn addiction”) but misdirected desire.

Attention being pulled outward, fragmented, hijacked by an environment that profits from distraction while quietly draining people of energy, clarity, and presence.

That alone is concerning enough to waste (or ruin) a life without someone even realizing it.

But what’s even more troubling is what’s happening in the background: a mostly predatory adult industry that lacks integrity left, right, and center - among many other values 🙄.

So we have a world where many men feel lost and lonely among millions of pixels and endless scrolling.

And worse... they are being targeted.

Targeted by everyone.

By most creators who lack empathy and care only about themselves and their business.

And by out-of-control scammers - entire call centers with thousands of arrows aimed at vulnerable men.

(And yes, sadly, this happens in many industries too, in different ways).

At some point, I started feeling like the tiniest ant standing between a crowd of old tigers drooling over thirst traps and a pack of wolves drooling over prey (do you get the visual?).

Twice now, two people (a daughter and a son) subscribed to my page just to message me. Both were terrified that their fathers (in their 70s) were “talking to me” online and had fallen in love 🤦‍♀️

One was about to fly somewhere to meet “me.”
Another sent money to someone using a fake passport - with my picture.🫥

(I made Youtube videos about this by the way).

And I could just look the other way which is what everyone does. I could go on with my online business as usual ( with integrity and clear values), make my bag and go on holiday to Mauritius.

But I can’t.

I don’t want to.

So here I am, writing a guide to get as many men as possible a little bit more aware.

I’m not naïve. I know that many men may already be a lost cause and painfully so.

(In those cases, the fathers didn’t even want to believe it, even after I sent them a video explaining everything🙈)

And yes, my hopes aren’t sky-high. Humans tend to look away rather than face uncomfortable truths or take responsibility.

But if this helps even a few, it matters.

What’s the solution?

I believe there’s only one: awareness.

Most of these men (and none of us really) were never taught how to understand their own desire - only how to suppress it, joke about it, or outsource it to fantasy. And in a world of endless stimulation, that becomes a problem very quickly.

I’m not interested in shaming desire or pretending fantasy doesn’t exist. I work inside this ecosystem. I see it from the inside and the outside. And I like to name things by its name (usually bluntly, sorry).

What I am interested in is AWARENESS.

Because desire, when it isn’t understood, doesn’t disappear... it leaks. Into scrolling, into compulsive habits, into loneliness, into scams, into a quiet loss of dignity and self-respect.

And I reached a point where staying silent felt like complicity (that is what my “Fed up with the Beast” video was about).

So I wrote A Man’s Guide to the Online Fantasy as a kind of flashlight.

Not to tell men what to do (God forbid!😅) but to help them see what’s actually happening. To understand the difference between horniness and hunger. Between fantasy and intimacy. Between business and real connection.

This guide talks about attention and energy.
About how easily life force gets misdirected online.

It asks uncomfortable but necessary questions, not to punish, but to orient.

If you’ve ever felt overstimulated but under-fulfilled…
If you’ve noticed desire pulling you in circles instead of forward…
If something about modern intimacy feels “off” but you can’t quite name why…

Then this was written for you (or surely you know someone who feels like that).

I’m sharing the kindle version today for FREE* 👇.

Get it Here

No tricks. I promise you’ll also have a giggle 🤭

Just one favor: read it. And if you find value, leave a review ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐.

That’s what helps this message travel further.

I would really appreciate it 💞

As always, take what’s useful. Leave the rest.

Love,

Rose 🌹

Here’s the video version 👇

Subscribe now

I had a big spiritual awakening back in 2021. Shocking I know. But I have the feeling that it was just the beginning of a long journey I embarked on and potentially has no end date.

Since then several micro-awakening have happened so I feel like the “Dark Night of the Soul” is not a one-off event but a lifelong lifestyle.

No, I have not smoked anything or had shrooms (but I do want to do that so please if you have any advice please reply to this email, I can’t wait to try that damn thing).

What I am trying to say is that I don’t think we come to this world (after being the fucking winners of a sperm race against other few millions, come on! fucking mad, innit?) to just plod along.

I think we are clueless (call it conditioning, programming, swear on the matrix, whatever) but LIFE...life is something else.

Let me get a tiny bit too personal tonight...

Read more

The title? I agree with it completely.

Men do need to be heard (and women, and whales, and birds…but whatever).

But when I was half way through the video, I was like 😳. The way that man was speaking and how that pain was being shaped and where it was being aimed… left me speechless.

Because here’s what I’ve come to understand: the moment your pain requires an enemy, your integrity collapses.

You’re no longer seeking truth. You’re seeking relief through blame.

And that doesn’t heal anyone. It multiplies the wound.

I recorded a response to this (video below) - not to attack anyone, but because I believe we’re at a crossroads. We can either keep feeding the division between men and women, or we can choose to see what’s really happening beneath the surface.

The future doesn’t belong to men who rage at women, or women who rage at men.

It belongs to those willing to outgrow the war entirely.

That’s not weakness. That’s evolution.

And whether anyone likes it or not - that’s the truth.

With clarity,
Rose 🌹

P.S. — If this resonates, share it. Not to “win” an argument, but because someone in your life might need to hear this right now.

I’ve been hearing the same quiet sentence again and again - sometimes spoken, sometimes just hovering in the room:

“Something is missing… and I don’t know what it is.”
“I’m okay, but…”
“Everything is fine, yet I’m not happy.”

Not in a dramatic way. Just… off.

This seems to be happening to people who, on paper, have a good life. Relationships. Work. Stability. Functioning. And yet there’s a low-grade restlessness underneath it all - a sense of unease that doesn’t quite rise to the level of crisis, but also doesn’t go away.

That feeling isn’t failure.
It’s information.

Most of us were never taught how to read it.

It’s what shows up when an old operating system (roles, identities, expectations, motivations) has quietly expired. The problem is that when we don’t understand what’s happening, we try to override it. We distract. We optimize. We turn the discomfort into habits, compulsions, or addictions, and tell ourselves we just need to try harder.

But this phase isn’t asking for motivation.
It’s asking for orientation.

Over the last months, this theme has been everywhere in my life - in conversations with friends, family, people who reach out privately. Again and again, I hear some version of: “I feel better after talking to you.”

Not because I fix anything but because I’m living differently. I’m following curiosity, desire, and truth instead of staying comfortable. That kind of energy is contagious. It doesn’t solve anything, but it does wake something up in people who’ve been stuck for a long time.

And that’s what finally pushed me to do something that honestly scares me a little.

On my birthday next Sunday, I’m hosting a live Zoom webinar called:

When “fine” isn’t fine anymore

REGISTER HERE

I chose my birthday intentionally. Not as a celebration - but as a NEW beginning. A personal ritual. This moment in life deserves to be named, not rushed past.

This session isn’t therapy or coaching and it is not spiritual bypassing.

I’m not here to tell you what to do with your life, offer shiny answers, or push reinvention narratives.

What I am doing is holding space to talk about:

• Why so many of us feel subtly lost right now

• What’s shifting collectively (and why it feels disorienting)

• How to recognize this phase without pathologizing it

• Why “Eros,” aliveness, and truth-telling matter - and how to ground them in real life, not abstractions
  

This is especially for those who:

• Feel unfulfilled or oddly anxious about the future

• Have a busy life that somehow feels fragmented

• Sense a pull toward meaning, not just improvement

• Are done with comfort that costs them truth
  

I’ve created an “Eros worksheet” that helps make this inner landscape more tangible - not mystical, not dramatic, just honest. It gives language to something many people feel but can’t yet articulate.

Logistics:

• Live on Zoom

• Sunday, 6pm UK time (1pm EST | 10am PST)

• One-way & anonymous (you’ll have not camera or mic this time)

• Recording will be sent
  

If time zones or Sunday mornings make it hard, no pressure. Registering gives you access to the recording.

This isn’t about doing more with your life.
It’s about listening more accurately.

For now, just notice what stirred as you read this. Sometimes that’s the first clue.

REGISTER

Love,

Rose 🌹

I never ask for anything from you - but today, I will.
I hope that’s okay.

On Sunday, 18th January, I turn 52.
(Yes, yes… relax. We both know I look 25, maybe even 22 😆)

Instead of throwing a party or pretending this is “just another birthday,” I’m giving myself a different kind of gift - one that genuinely scares me.

I once heard my mentor tell a story about a woman who was terrified of clowns her whole life. After years of inner work, on one of her birthdays she decided to face that fear head-on… by throwing herself a clown party.

Strange? Maybe.
But for those who do personal work, this is familiar territory.

Growth isn’t always about becoming better.
Sometimes it’s about becoming braver.

So I’m doing my version of that.

I’m hosting a free live Zoom session called:

“When “Fine” Isn’t Fine Anymore”

I’ve had countless conversations with subscribers over the years and one theme comes up again and again.
People aren’t falling apart… but they don’t feel right either.

On the surface, things are “fine.”
But underneath? Something feels off.

And the truth is, as we get older (especially when relationships, marriages, or life itself reach a certain maturity) that feeling becomes harder to ignore.

Add the current state of the world (and yes, some astrology I won’t bore you with 😆), and it’s no surprise so many people feel disconnected, restless, or quietly dissatisfied.

Let me be very clear about what this isn’t:

I’m not a therapist.
I’m not here to fix you.
I’m definitely not here to save anyone.

But I can promise you this:
If you attend, you’ll leave feeling a notch better - clearer, lighter, and with something meaningful to think about well into the spring.

Before I shape this properly, though, I need your help.

There’s a button below 👇

If you’re willing, please click it and tell me one thing:

• What’s been quietly bothering you?

• Where do you feel stuck, numb, or “off”?

• What would you actually like help with right now?

• What kind of conversation would feel useful to you?

You don’t need to overthink it.
A few honest lines are more than enough.

(And just so we’re clear - keep it respectful and human. Anything inappropriate and I’ll quietly remove you from this list…forever)

I would genuinely appreciate your input.
This will help me create something real, grounded, and worth showing up for.

Thank you for being here 💜

Love,

Rose 🌹

Let me leave you this link to my first ever (yep, another scary thing🤡) podcast episode with a friend. I hope you enjoy it 😍

And you may think: “And?” (while you roll your eyes) - that movie is from 2009.

Yes. That’s precisely why it is so special.
It is 2026, and I watched it for the first time.
And what’s more - I loved it so much!! (Yes, I cried too 🥹.)

I know the third movie is in cinemas now, but I still need to watch the second one first, so this girl is busy 😆

It feels incredibly relevant to what’s going on in the world right now, don’t you think?

So in the movie, humans (us, unfortunately) are after the carbon (or whatever that thing is) and are willing to do whatever it takes - which, as usual, implies millions of dollars, stakeholders, and weapons (sounds familiar?) - to get it, giving a literal shit about the people living there (whom they consider savages 😅 the fucking irony), and also not giving a damn about the forest or the earth.

And then there’s Jake Sully.
OMG. He awakens.

That’s what it means symbolically. He literally sees through the veil of illusion (the greed and absurd “way of living” of those who are supposedly civilized human beings) and, on the other hand, the purity of heart, the loving nature of the Na’vi, and the power of Eywa.

(Yes, that’s the equivalent of God, the Universe, the Source, the Light, Struggenberger… you know - that inexplicable but real thing.)

I could talk about this all day. Truly, one of my favourite things ever.

If you are a weirdo like me and haven’t watched it yet, please do. Hopefully you’ll see the absurdity of the human race and relate it to what’s going on as we speak on that stage called the world, where there’s currently a play involving a few Baby Boomers with unresolved psychological issues manifesting their repressed shadows ruling it, and some other actors here and there playing war as if it is a gameboard.

(See? Millions of dollars, stakeholders, and weapons 😑 not cool.)

Aside from that, we also had a beautiful full moon yesterday.

Without getting into astrology (I know you’re not into that), this particular one in the Capricorn-Cancer axis invites us to balance responsibility with pleasure.

The areas of life in the zodiac wheel are opposites of the same coin, so to speak - like everything else in this dualistic reality.

Which means there is no one without the other. You wouldn’t know what “good” is if you didn’t know what “bad” is, right?

So I’ve been working on that personally.

Balance is the key to healthy living.

And although I published a post back in August called Have You Been Living Erotically? (I’ll link it below), I’ve now also published a short video on YouTube about it (linked below as well).

I’m very into this, to be honest - because I’m living it myself so strongly. Finding my Eros is my new quest. I feel like an erotica ninja 🥷.

Oh, and by the way 😁 my birthday is very soon, and I’m planning a big thing that is equally scary as f*ck and exciting. I really hope you’ll be there.

(I’ll beg you on my knees haha. No, just joking.)

Well… maybe not 😏
It definitely involves Eros 🤩

Stay sane,

Rose 🌹

This has been a hell of a year. Although I would say that since 2020 it has a been a hell of a ride but next year…oh my, buckle up my friend.

I am actually excited and terrified as well. If you’re one of the lovely souls who actually read me and follow, you’ll know by now that I am shifting. I call myself the midlife shifter now 😅

But that is not a topic for today, let’s leave January come and, with it, a lot of News from me.

This email is just a friendly one - I have had a couple of champagne glasses already so that’s that - because this year is the first year that I am alone (not the first time in my life though but I was 17 last time 😆). So let me show you my New Year’s dinner and set up…

Read more

And I don’t do well with traditions, because they often mean nobody questions them. Or at least, not enough people do. That’s usually why they survive in the first place.

On the surface, everything accelerates.
Plans multiply.
Family, travel, money, decisions, recipes, presents, unfinished conversations - suddenly we feel pressured to tie everything into a neat little bow before the year dares to end.
And to show the best of our smiles to everyone because… hey! It’s Christmas, right?

And yet - energetically, symbolically, anciently - this is the moment when time pauses.

The Solstice.
When the Sun appears to stand still.
When civilizations far wiser than ours understood that this wasn’t a time for pushing forward, but for stopping long enough to feel where you are.

Ancient cultures didn’t mark this threshold with polite family dinners or excessive consumption… of wrapped things.
They marked it with excess food, wine, fun, joy… and sex.

For the Romans, this season belonged to the Bacchanals, the Dionysian rites, the Saturnalia: celebrations where wine flowed freely, social rules dissolved, bodies loosened, laughter became prayer, and pleasure was not only allowed, but sacred.

They drank.
They danced.
They touched.
They surrendered control.

Not because they were reckless, but because they were deeply connected to Eros - and because they had come through a long, demanding harvest period. Now, it was time to rest.

And Eros, to them, was never just sex.

Eros was vitality.
Pulse.
Creative force.
The current that moves through the body when life is allowed to circulate instead of being contained.

They understood that when Eros stagnates, people stagnate.
When desire is suppressed, life turns rigid.
And when the body is denied expression for too long, it finds unhealthy outlets.

So they gave Eros a doorway.

They let it move through wine, music, rhythm, pleasure, chaos, communion.
They trusted that aliveness (when honored consciously) restores balance.

At the darkest point of the year, they didn’t ask humans to behave better.
They asked them to feel… and enjoy more.

Fast forward to now, and we’ve done almost the exact opposite.

Modern man lives profoundly disconnected from Eros.
Not just sexually, but existentially.

We put on our masks to get through the holy season because we “have to.”
How are you going to say no, right?

Desire and pleasure remain taboo (don’t you dare bring that topic up at a family dinner).
The body is tolerated rather than listened to.
Joy must be earned.
Rest must be justified.

We’ve replaced ritual with routine.
Release with distraction.
And Eros with dopamine.

And then we wonder why burnout, numbness, addiction, and quiet despair feel so common - especially in midlife.

The season itself is still whispering the same message it always has:
slow down,
turn inward,
feel what is alive… and what is not.

But modern life keeps shouting productivity, compliance, repression.
Don’t stand out.
Do as the others do.

And so we’re left holding both at once:
movement and stillness,
discipline and desire,
control and longing.

That tension creates imbalance. It shows up as unease - a subtle feeling of off-ness (yes, I probably made that word up).
If you happen to notice it (like I do) congratulations. You’re aware.

Because if there’s one thing worth doing before stepping into the next chapter - especially one as astrologically significant as 2026! - it’s this:

Arrive there alive.

Not just functional and responsible.
But connected - to your body, your desire, your inner force.

Not rushed across the threshold…
but consciously crossing it, having let life move through you again.

That, quietly, is what the ancients understood.
And that is what modern man is being asked to remember.

You might notice it in small moments.

When you don’t feel like going.
When your body tightens at the idea of another obligation.
When you fantasize (quietly, guiltily) about doing nothing, or doing something entirely different.

Staying home.
Leaving early.
Not explaining yourself.

That’s usually the moment we override ourselves.

We say yes when we mean no.
We smile when we want to roll our eyes.
We play along so we don’t disturb the ritual.

But here’s the quiet truth no one tells you:

Saying no doesn’t make you difficult.
Being different doesn’t make you wrong.
Listening to your body doesn’t make you selfish.

It makes you honest.

And honesty (especially at this time of year) is a radical act.

We don’t need to burn traditions down overnight.
We don’t need to justify ourselves.
And we certainly don’t need to perform joy for anyone.

Sometimes the most Bacchanalian, rebellious, life-affirming thing you can do…

…is to opt out.

And if you are celebrating the tradition - then do it fully.
Drink the wine. Laugh. Be present. Enjoy it.

Just remember:
in roughly 365 days, the lights will be back, the scripts will repeat, and the cycle will offer you the same choice all over again.

Welcome to Groundhog Day.

The difference is… this time, you might actually notice it.

Love (and red wine, please) 🌹

No explosion.
No affair.
No dramatic goodbye.

Just two people quietly agreeing (without ever saying it out loud)
to stop being fully alive together.

And somehow, we’ve decided this is normal.

We were made to promise “till death do us part”.
But nobody warned us about the part where life leaves first.

Where touch becomes optional and desire feels inconvenient.
Where intimacy turns into something to avoid rather than move toward.

That’s not a failed marriage.
That’s a marriage that outlived the structure it was built inside.

Marriage Didn’t Fail.

It Stopped Making Sense

Marriage, as an institution, is obsolete.

Not because love is dead or because commitment doesn’t matter.

But because marriage was designed for a world that no longer exists.

A world of:
– survival
– economics
– fixed gender roles
– duty over desire

It was never designed to hold:
– emotional intimacy
– erotic aliveness
– personal evolution
– psychological truth

Yet we keep trying to force modern humans into ancient containers.

And when it doesn’t work, we blame ourselves.

That’s cognitive dissonance.

Because questioning marriage itself would mean questioning everything we were taught about love, success, and being a “good adult.”

So we don’t.

We normalize numbness instead.

The Lie We Call Stability

Most sexless marriages look perfectly fine from the outside.

Children are fed.
Bills are paid.
Holidays are documented.

Nothing is wrong enough to justify leaving.

And yet, behind closed doors, something essential has disappeared.

Not just sex.

Life.
Eros.
Presence.
Curiosity.
The feeling of being wanted (and wanting back!).

I Didn’t Know I Was in One

Until I Couldn’t Un-See It

I grew up believing adults had a secret world behind bedroom doors.

Something exciting and alive.

Then, in my teens, my mum told me the truth.

Behind closed doors, she endured years of duty sex.
Sex as obligation and emotional survival.

I thought I’d break that cycle simply by enjoying sex myself and for a while, I did.

Until life happened.

Children.
Exhaustion.
Identity erosion.

One day, I realized sex had become irrelevant to me. Not in a painful or traumatic way.

Just… gone.

I even joked that I was “dead from the waist down” and we both laughed.

But one night, lying in bed, avoiding intimacy yet again, a thought cut through me:

*Is this going to be the rest of my life? Avoiding intimacy forever?*

That question terrified me more than leaving ever could.

Sexless Doesn’t Mean Sexless

A marriage can be sexually active and still be sexless.

Because sex without Eros is not intimacy. It’s maintenance.

And maintenance slowly turns into quiet resentment.

The kind that reshapes who you are without you noticing.

You become smaller.
Less curious.
Less alive.

Why We Stay

We stay because:
– children
– finances
– fear
– identity
– guilt
– social pressure

And because telling the truth would force change.

And change threatens the illusion of stability we were taught to worship.

Till LIFE Do Us Part

What if the real vow was never about death?

What if it was about aliveness?

What if relationships were meant to last as long as they nourish life -
and transform when they don’t?

This doesn’t mean everyone should leave.

But it does mean every sexless marriage needs TRUTH.

Especially the ones that stay together.

I’m writing a guide about this.

Not to tell people what to do but to help them see clearly.

Because not every sexless marriage needs to end.

But every sexless marriage needs honesty.

Well, actually, all of us need radical honestly but man! It is HARD.

Love,

Rose 🌹

Me and my friends were all naively smiling, saying: “I’ll be 26 in the year 2000!”

Well… I’m still here (one of them is not 😪).
And now it’s about to be 2026 and I’m turning 52.
Fucking living hell. Get outta here 😣

Not much has happened this week, mainly because I’ve been really ill 🤒. I haven’t been this sick since February 2022 when I had the so-called Covid; this time it was “just” the flu 🫠. It hit on Monday midday and kept me hostage between the bed and the sofa until Thursday evening, when I finally started to resemble a human again. Friday and Saturday were softer, and today I seem back to normal.

The perks of working for yourself: you don’t need permission to rest.
The downside: you can’t “create” when you can barely keep yourself alive.

I had a beautiful Advent idea planned for December - The Phal-losophic Advent Calendar with 25 penetrative Truths, one per day. The plan was to read a Stoic quote and offer a reflection on my subscription page (yes, naked 😉).
But of course I fell ill on the 1st of December. And honestly? I took it as a sign.
I needed to stop.

The Saturday before, I had gone to an Ayurvedic consultation because I’m fed up of being fed up… about being fed up… about being fed up. Something in my lifestyle has not been working for a few years now.

My skin has been one of the symptoms and - hear me out - one week in, and even while ill, I swear my skin already feels better after just a couple of changes (Placebo effect? Most likely 🙄)

So now I’m grateful for the flu.
It forced me to stop.

(And yes, I also lost the two extra kilos I gained eating donuts out of stress and now I am at a magic number 55.5. Small mercies.)

I’ll make the first video tonight, but don’t expect me to read seven quotes in one go.

That Jolly Spirit

Maybe you’ve already decorated and done the whole Christmas jazz. I haven’t.
And I’m not looking forward to it.
Why, Scrooge? Well… nothing new 😆

I have a lot coming up in the next calendar year (and for me the real new year begins in Spring, just so you know). I haven’t posted a new YouTube video since The Beast one, and I’ve seen comments asking if I’m quitting, so I’ll make an update soon.

The number of subscribers keeps dropping, as it should. People don’t like change.
If you subscribe to a belly dancer and suddenly she starts boxing… you’d leave too.
No hard feelings.

I keep repeating this in the newsletter, but people subscribe to things they never open. They don’t even read me saying: “Please unsubscribe if you’re not interested.”
It’s quite funny actually.

And now… Truth

So much of what I’m moving into now - both online and in real life - is Truth. I’m absolutely obsessed with that bloody word. And guess what? I’ve got backup. Jesus. Yes, that Jesus, whispering: “The truth will set you free.”

And because truth is having a moment in my life (and maybe in yours too?), here’s a little reflection for you to read through and reflect on if you fancy.

Truth is not a fact, an opinion, or a feeling that happens to match your narrative.
Truth is an archetypal force.
An element of the Divine.
A language your soul speaks fluently even when your ego refuses to listen.

Truth doesn’t care about your comfort.
Truth cares about your liberation.

It arrives when time has stripped away the illusions you were clinging to, the roles you hid behind, the coping mechanisms you romanticized, the stories that no longer hold.

That’s why Truth is the daughter of Time.
Time doesn’t create truth.
It simply reveals what was always there.

Truth undresses you.
Peels off what isn’t real.
And leaves you standing face-to-face with the only thing you can trust:
the part of you that cannot lie.

What happens when you don’t face the Truth?

There are consequences. Energetic, psychological and physical ones. You start leaking power, your soul starts craving attention. It turns into a negotiation between your soul and your mind and every time you keep refusing to look your shadows in the eye… you drain your vitality and weaken the life force that you are trying to pursue or protect.

Anyways, lovely reader, I wish you a wonderful Sunday evening and a glorious second week of December. That’s all from me today.

Much love,

Rose 🌹

This morning (28th Nov), my cousin - the only family member who actually speaks my same language (aka: understands me and I understand her) - sent me a long audio note. By the end, she burst into tears and apologized for it. 🥹

She’s a bit younger than me, mid-40s, living the apparently happy life: family, house, car, good job…

But she’s feeling a void.
And in her own words: she feels like a slave.

Well… this hits me right in the chest.

My “I need to save the world” idiotic complex immediately kicks in (a chronic condition I seem to suffer from🫥). I grab my imaginary cape and think:
I need to do something.

Then I pause (which is a skill I’m practising) breathe, and re-evaluate.

Why am I telling you this?
So you understand the energy behind this letter.
I’m writing with an internal fire 🔥 (and a cape), because it’s 10am and at this hour I feel like I could conquer the world.
Find me again at 6pm and I’m knocked out.
(Yes, looking into that too. Not normal, right?)

My post/video the other day about feeding the beast was a turning point.
Another one in my life.
I’ve gone through many transformations and life shifts, and here comes another.

I can’t say too much yet about some of the things I’m doing (really trying to hold off until things are official and settled), but here’s a start:

I’ve published my first book (well, first guide, 😆) and I’ll tell you about it very soon.

This is my rebellion - peaceful, conscious, and completely non-violent.

Hence “Purple.” 💜

And one thing you need to know is this:
I’m not here to entertain your dopamine.
I’m here to wake something up in you - the same thing that’s waking up in me.

My cousin cried this morning… on a random Friday.
And that made me realize: maybe you’re closer to a breakthrough than you think too… just saying😬

This is, in fact, a very short email.
And I BEG you: if you’re still reading but you’re sick of my non-sexual communications, please unfollow, unsubscribe, block me - whatever. Let’s do ourselves a favor.

If, on the contrary, you’re amused and actually enjoy my emails, please stay.
Because it’s about to get wild.😉

Tomorrow night, I’ll release a video explaining what I’m doing this December - so you might want to tune in.

With love… and absolutely zero offers for you today.

Rose 🌹

This video is a line in the sand, a death of the old version of me and the birth of something truer, cleaner, and more awake.

For six years I’ve played inside a system that feeds on unconscious desire, fantasy, loneliness, and illusions.
A system that loves you unaware, disconnected, hypnotized and hoping a woman on the internet is the answer to your heartbreak.

Today I say: Enough. I’m done feeding the beast.

This isn’t about quitting my work.
This is about doing it consciously - and inviting you to do the same.
No more delusion. No more confusion. No more fantasy disguised as connection.

This is a message from the underworld of my life - from a woman who is walking in the shadow, sees what’s happening to men, and refuses to keep silent.

If you’re here for truth, awareness, humanity, and evolution… welcome.
If you’re here for fantasy or illusions, this may hurt.

I’ll be honest: this video might piss some people off but, either way, it had to be said.

Thank you for listening.

Rose 🌹

That was the past. Maybe not for everyone, but absolutely for the majority back then. And the result? Profound unhappiness rooted deep in their bones. Faces shaped by frustration, by a life half-lived. A tiny existence trapped in a shoebox.
That’s my family history.

Charming, huh?

I broke that spell the moment I could.

My first boyfriend was a few years older - which felt huge because I was 18 and he was 27. He was kind, yes, but also living that same shoebox life. Jumping from job to job with no direction, no passion, no real ambition other than: get paid, save for a flat (he still lived with his parents), and then the predictable sequence - marriage, kids, etc.
Thank God I didn’t bite that hook.

We met the summer I worked my first job in a cafeteria. He started coming every day “for a drink”… which really meant “for me”. Back then my dream was to become a singer, so while my friends went off to university, I planned to go to Madrid (the capital, the big city) and just… try. Honestly, my plan was “maybe someone magically discovers me in the street.” So naïve.

I told my new/first boyfriend my plan and, since he had none of his own, he agreed to come with me. (Let’s be honest: he would’ve done anything to keep fucking me. I was gorgeous and he was approaching 30.)
So off we went, late September. We lasted exactly three days in a cheap hostel.

The moment we arrived, I felt like I was carrying him on my shoulders. I told myself, “I can’t do what I want with this weight”… but the truth is, I had no clue what I was doing either. No idea where to go, who to see, or how anything worked. Zero.

We stayed together a year and a half anyway, and had lots of sex. He loved blowjobs in the car (and anywhere, really).
And then one day…

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