At crossroads

and it isn't pretty 🫥

I have to write this today - October 12, 2025 (this time I get the date right).
It’s boiling inside my mind and needs a release.

But first, if you’ve just subscribed to Midlife Erotica, welcome 😃… although honestly, you might want to unsubscribe.

Let me explain.

Most likely, you’ve seen me wandering around Instagram with my big booty, clicked on my website, and ended up here because you were prompted to sign up for this Substack instead of the spicy page. That’s how good I am at marketing myself 😆

So, anyways, you’ve done it, entered your email and here you are.

And most likely again, you were hoping to find spiciness in this space - fair enough, there are a few +18 stories to read through - but you didn’t find photos or that kind of heat. 🙄

Why?

Because here, I’m not showing off my body or trying to get your dick hard.
Here, I’m trying to get your brain to shift - toward freedom and awareness.

If you get what I mean, you’re in the right place.
If you ain’t got a clue what I am on about. No hard feelings — just unsubscribe.

If you want to see me naked, you can go there. And honestly, that’s a legitimate wish. I’ve been told time and time again that I’m fucking hot, so why not go and take a peek, maybe release some tension? Think of it like buying an adult magazine back in the day - but with natural small midlife boobs 🙈

So, to the point.
I know this is fucking unusual - a 50+ woman who posts spicy content and also writes philosophical stuff.
Essentially, totally nuts.

That’s me.

I titled this “Crossroads” because I’m at a big one. Massive, actually.

And don’t get me wrong - we’re all at crossroads all the time, every single day, with every single decision. We just don’t see it because we don’t stop. We just DO.

We’re no longer human beings but human doings.
And I’m beyond exhausted.
I can’t take this anymore 😔

I’ve had massive revelations lately about myself - and without going too deep right now, the biggest one is this: I’ve carried a deep sense of unworthiness my whole life. I’ve ignored it, buried it, pretended it wasn’t there.

So no, I’m not here claiming I have my shit together.
In fact, I don’t. But naively, I thought I did.

A few years ago, I even posted YouTube videos giving advice - LFMO. I’ve thought about deleting them all, but I won’t. I’ll own it. That was me, back then.

Failure is a skill. And I’m mastering it - in relationships 🙄, in business, in life.

This is probably the most vulnerable letter I’ve written here. And yeah, for many of you who were unintentionally misled into subscribing, it might be a WTF moment.

I’d like to apologize, but honestly, I won’t.
Because I’ve spent my whole life apologizing for existing.

And that’s a hard pill to swallow.

I’ve lived a life of people-pleasing - in a good intentional way as a mother, and in a not-so-good way, clinging to relationships hoping to be seen and valued, because I wasn’t seeing or valuing myself.

And no, I’m not claiming I now love myself fully.
I’m just on the way there.

Awareness is the first step to everything.
And that’s where I am.

There’s much more to come. I’ll be sharing this journey here, so you can follow along if you wish.

Big changes are coming for Midlife Erotica - and yes, the word erotica is the key.

For most people, it means something sexual.
But it isn’t.

Erotica comes from the Greek Eros, meaning life force - the creative, connective, vital energy that makes us feel alive.

I wrote about it here.
That’s what this Substack is about.

Not thirst traps.
Not porn.
Not even sex.

Erotica is a way of living. One I’m finally ready to start practicing - not just writing or talking about. Because there’s no other way to live. The alternative is surviving, and I’m sick of that.

What does that mean?
It means sitting with the discomfort and pain of looking at your wounds instead of distracting yourself from them.

That’s why I say: it isn’t pretty.

It hurts. It feels like a void in your stomach - or more precisely, inside yourself.
Like you’re a shell.
And it’s terrifying.

But, let me leave you with something beautiful.

I went to see Billy Elliot at the cinema the other day - it’s the 25th anniversary, and I’d never watched it before. I couldn’t stop crying afterward. Two scenes have burned into my mind like fire.

One: when his dad and brother go down to the mines after the strike ends. Their faces - the exhaustion, the powerlessness, the quiet tragedy. So much said without a single word.

I saw my own family in that scene - lives half-lived, eyes looking down toward safety and “the known,” instead of up toward the unknown and freedom.
Heartbreaking 💔

And two: when Billy is asked at his audition what he feels when he dances, and he says:

“I feel as if I disappear. Like I’m flying. Like electricity.”

That’s it.
That’s Eros.
That’s what being alive truly feels like.

And that’s where I’m heading -messy, scared, but electric.

Love,

A Rose 🌹