Behind the Fantasy

Why I’m not leaving the adult part of my life behind to make other people more comfortable

I am a little bit drunk, so I am going to have to warn you that, if I normally tell the truth by default and they say “drunk people tell the truth”, we could be facing the real deal here.

It is a Sunday in the middle of the World Cup (couldn’t care less) and the first day of a bit of a break after a heatwave that is literally frying my brain.

I’ll also lock part of this post for paid subscribers because there are certain things I don’t want to share for free. As simple as.

I am intentionally tipsy because I choose to be. If you feel the need to judge, feel free to unsubscribe. You chose to be here.

And you may be surprised but… I have never been happier, so I am not drowning my pain in alcohol. Cava, actually. Love it.

I am celebrating myself and my weirdness.

The world seems to be agitated. The earth just expressed her anger in Venezuela and that made me very sad. I learnt about a former colleague who killed himself last week, 61, apparently having a perfect life. The wife of an acquaintance died in her sleep a few days ago, also 61. I’m not really sure why, but every time I open bloody Instagram, the algorithm shows me a post about somebody way too young to die, dying.

Is this a conspiracy? Is the Universe telling me something?

Maybe. Maybe not.

You know my life is shifting direction, right? (you probably don’t if you’re a new subscriber). I am currently focused, and extremely excited, on a coaching training that is literally changing my life, and also on writing a book.

I made a few videos on my YouTube channel about all this transformation. The first one was “I Am Fed Up with the Beast” and, in my Aries fire, it was quite cryptic and angry, but I did not explain very well what was going on.

Then I made “Whatever Happened to Miss Dawson” and that felt to me like a cosmic orgasm. I needed so much to get that out of my system!

I came out and told my real name because something inside of me was trying to break free.

(I’ll leave it here, but I had been suffering with skin issues for years, literally cysts on my face, and hey! They are gone now and I have recovered my baby-ass face. Just saying.)

And, essentially, I have been trying to find a place to fit in because I don’t fit into the “online sex work communities” and, as I now know, I don’t fit into the “spiritual communities” either.

I just don’t fit in. Period.

And I am starting to think that maybe that is the point.

I want to say something here, especially to the women reading this.

There are more of you here now 🥳, and I am genuinely grateful for that. I want you here. I really do. I don’t want this place to be only men looking for the fantasy, or the woman they think they know. I want women who are curious, complicated, honest, tired of pretending, maybe a bit uncomfortable but willing to stay with the discomfort.

Some of you may already know what I have done for work over the last few years. Some of you may not.

So let me say it plainly: I have been doing adult work online. OnlyFans, erotic content, fantasy, all of that. It is part of my life and part of the reason I know the things I know.

I understand this may not be for everyone.

That is okay.

I am not here to convince anyone to approve of me, but I do want to be clear about the kind of space this is becoming.

This is not a place where we sweep desire under the rug and then pretend it is not running half of our lives from underneath.

This is not a place where women have to act clean, sensible, spiritual, respectable, healed, sexless, motherly, desirable-but-not-too-desirable, powerful-but-not-threatening, honest-but-not-that-honest.

I am not interested in that game anymore.

And I don’t think many of us are free while we keep playing it.

I want to talk about desire. I want to talk about fantasy. I want to talk about money, men, bodies, shame, ageing, marriage, loneliness, sex, performance, power, survival, and all the things we are supposed to have neatly resolved by midlife but obviously haven’t, because look around.

I want women here who can hear the truth without immediately reaching for moral superiority.

And that does not mean agreeing with everything I say or everything I have done. Please, God, no. I am not starting a cult. It means being willing to look.

To really look.

At what we desire, what we judge, what we consume in secret and what we condemn in public.

At what we have done for love, money, safety, attention, survival, freedom, or simply because we wanted to know what would happen if we did.

So if you are a woman reading this and something in you feels curious, welcome.

If something in you feels a bit confronted, also welcome.

If you need every woman to have lived a clean, explainable, respectable life before you can listen to her, then this is probably not going to be your space.

And I say that with no bitterness.

I am just too old, too tired and apparently too full of cava to pretend.

So, behind the paywall we go…