If you are easily offended, you might want to consider not reading me today. I don’t usually have many filters but tonight I am on fire (in a good way).
I’ve had one of those ‘downloads’ spiritual people talk about or, as I call it, a WTF moment or rather a sequence of WTFs in this case.
By the way, if you read last week’s “The Shadow of Sex and Desire” you’ll remember I emailed my astrologer about OnlyFans.
She’s replied but don’t be impatient, let me set the stage first.
The week before last I also wrote and sent out “Sexlessly Ever after” (a genius title, I know ☺️) and I was offering a ‘pilot’ program (so-to-speak) called “What Happened to Us?”.
Nobody took the offer (it was just an application, not an actual purchase) and somehow I knew that would be the case (call me a witch).
Last year I wrote here about a friend of mine who’s in a sexless marriage, we spoke about it and, back then, I was already working on this idea so I gave her a little workbook I had done very similar to what this is now but a reduced version.
I haven’t heard from her since. I swear to God.
She knows (and most people in a sexless marriage know) that looking into “What happened to us?” means finding the truth and truth is scary because it reveals that something needs to change.
She does not want to change anything, she’s too comfortable with her life… only she’s really not but she tells herself the story that she is.
She admitted to me that she’s bored and has no joy for life whatsoever and that she does not know what to do with her days (she does not work). Add to that constantly dealing with the avoidance of intimacy that she described as hard, yet… she chooses it.
Most people are like this.
Then we have the other side of the polarity, the people who, being in a sexless marriage and not being able to handle it anymore, the last thing they need is a bitch (that’s me 🙋🏽♀️) wasting their time finding out that they need to divorce. They already know that and either don’t have the balls to do it or maybe they simply can’t
Why am I telling you about this now? Because of one word: Truth.
I would literally die for that word, that’s how strong I feel it right now in my blood.
The Astrologer and OnlyFans
So she replied with a long and thoughtful email. She brought in Caroline Myss and the Prostitute archetype which I know really well, I even made a Youtube video about it.
This is not prostitution in the literal sense, but the archetypal question of what we are prepared to trade for money, security, approval or survival.
And then she asked me a question:
Would you have chosen to be on OnlyFans if money had not been the motivation?
The answer is: obviously not but I wouldn’t have done my administrative job if they hadn’t paid me either so… if we are talking about the Prostitute archetype as the part of ourselves that exchanges something for money or security, then why does the presence of sexuality fundamentally change the moral meaning of the transaction?
Why is doing something I would not otherwise choose to do for £30,000 a year considered simply “having a job,” while doing something sexual for money immediately raises the question of whether I have sold myself (or even sold my soul!)?
I’ll say it again: I don’t defend OnlyFans but I also don’t want to accept that everything sexual is inherently corrupt.
She did not go into too much depth and, although I still like her and will do the course, lol, there was definitely something morally loaded in her point of view.
Selling my Soul
I did not sell my soul, I just took my clothes off for money and I would do it again. Well, I still do it, just differently.
The moment I started to feel I was selling my soul was when this whole transition began, and I realize that now, it wasn’t that much for the sexual part but for the whole machine.
There came a point when I knew I no longer wanted to keep producing in that way, at that pace and continuing purely because the money was good began to feel like selling my soul so I looked at the truth and had to change.
My awakening wasn't away from fantasy. It was toward discernment.
The Other Prison
And this is where these last WTFs happened.
Because for the last few years I’ve been trying to get out of one machine and, without realizing it, I’ve occasionally wandered straight towards another one.
The one I run away from is the “seven figures - scale - monetize - optimize - be visible - keep producing” but then you start waking up (or whatever annoying word we want to use) and suddenly there is another world waiting for you.
The spiritual world.
And at first it looks like the opposite: less ego - less attachment - less judgement … but then, you still stumble upon the same things: “seven figures - scale - monetize - optimize…” 🫥 and, to be honest, it all feels like the same machine with a different branding.
And I have a problem with that one too. A big one.
I started noticing that a lot of the spirituality I was encountering seemed to be uncomfortable with being human. Especially with sex.
Desire becomes suspicious. Everyone and their mother wants to fucking regulate the fucking nervous system, do breathwork, meditate… ok, and sex?
Well, sex is only considered if it is tantric enough, conscious enough, beautiful enough. Put a candle next to it, call it sacred sexuality and apparently we’re safe.
But masturbation? Porn? Fantasy? Wanting to be desired?
Wanting to fuck someone simply because you really, really want to fuck them? (even if it’s only in your dreams 🙄).
Funny how nobody mentions that an orgasm can make you feel pretty fucking relaxed too but, apparently, you cannot say that out loud because…because what?!
Because things get a little awkward and here is where I get difficult and don’t fit it because I refuse to go from one prison into another.
I don’t want the prison of capitalism, productivity and endless consumption but I also don’t want the prison of spiritual purity.
Sex and Spirit
This is what I keep thinking now, we split body, mind and soul but body is only allowed to be talked about in terms of exercise, massage, diet…and sex is always down there somewhere (preferably hidden) and spirituality somewhere much higher up where nobody has genitals.
And then we wonder why we feel disconnected or need to regulate the motherfucking nervous system.
One of the comments I received recently said something along the lines of masturbation being a spiritual act.
And I thought: yes. Why the hell couldn’t it be?
Why have we decided that spirituality happens when I close my eyes and meditate but not when I touch my own body?
Who decided God leaves the room when somebody gets horny?
I’m being deliberately provocative, obviously, but I mean it.
If spirituality means having a relationship with something deeper or higher than the little social character we drag around all day, then surely the body belongs there too, and desire, pleasure, shame, fantasy…the whole thing.
And hey! I’m not saying we should behave like Neanderthals and act on every desire like horny dogs.
Absolutely not.
That is exactly where discernment comes in and what my “Conscious Desire” project is about. Not “I want it, therefore I should have it.”
It is: What do I want? Why do I want it? What is underneath it? Is it mine? Is it hurting me? Is it hurting somebody else? What happens if I follow it? What happens if I keep denying it?
And perhaps that is why I keep coming back to sexless relationships too.
Because sexlessness is very often not really about sex. It is about truth.
You can spend twenty years arguing about serotonin, hormones, tiredness, resentment, timing, menopause, stress or whose turn it is to initiate.
And all of those things may be real but somewhere underneath them there may also be a truth nobody wants to touch.
“I don’t desire you anymore.”
“I like the security of this life more than I dislike the lack of intimacy.”
“I don’t know who I am without this marriage.”
“I want something else.”
Those are dangerous sentences because once you know something, you have to decide what you’re going to do with it.
Which brings me straight back to my friend and to why nobody applied for What Happened to Us?
Maybe I was offering something people say they want but very often don’t.
Clarity.
Because clarity has consequences.
Truth has consequences.
Show Up With Soul
I’ve been using the phrase Show Up With Soul for a while now.
Originally I was thinking about visibility. Showing up online without turning yourself into a performing monkey for an algorithm but today I realized it is much bigger than that.
It means showing up in your actual life, not as the person you have learned to perform but as the real YOU.
And maybe “with soul” simply means that what you are doing on the outside has some relationship with what you know on the inside.
That sounds so simple but it isn’t, because most of us build lives around keeping those two things separated.
We know one thing and do another.
We desire one thing and choose another.
We want sex and pretend we are above sex.
We want recognition and call it service.
And most of the time (and this is another WTF) we genuinely believe our own story.
Anyways, this is getting too long now but I’ll end with a bang.
Want to regulate your nervous system?
Stop lying to yourself first and then go and masturbate (or have sex with somebody if you can and want).
No promises, but you’ll probably feel better 😁
*This is not medical advice and I am not a certified blah ,blah ,blah”
Love, light and spice.
Eva ✨
I always like how you speak unfiltered and honestly.Everyone should follow your words