My first time in America

A buffalo, a rant and a deathbed question

I know, I know... for some of you this will sound silly (and maybe cute?) but, for me, it is a big deal. Huge, actually. I have dreamt of going to America since I was a teen and hey! Better late than never, right? I had to wait until my 50s to make it true.

Why do I say America and not the USA? Obviously, because I literally mean the first time in the whole continent, I’d love to visit so many other countries in South America too!

It was Nashville, Tennessee of all places and yes, I have already been told it does not represent what the USA actually is, of course, but I already knew that (I am not a dummy). In Spain, if you visit the south and the north, they are totally different places and people in many ways so there you go.

I went with no expectations as I did not know what I would find in there (suspected boots and hats though🤠) but, I gotta say it, I have been very pleasantly surprised and, the image that is portrayed in the media (in general) is not what I found there.

And yes, of course, like in every other country, city or place, there are both: bad and good things but I haven’t found any of the ‘bad’ ones there so that’s that.

People I passed by on the street smiled at me. People at the hotels, waiters,...super polite and smiley too. My Uber driver was in love with the ‘old’ Spanish football team (I think Americans call it soccer?) and he named all the players while I smiled and nodded only recognizing a couple of them 😅.

The streets were very clean also (don’t hate me but I’d say London is not THAT clean, lol). Verdict? I loved it.

Now, I did not go as a tourist (I kinda dislike tourist visits and, in fact, although I had the chance to, I did not visit any of the iconic places there. Call me weirdo). I went to an event with beautiful people and God was it worthy!

The Seed and the Sprout

You may remember that I went to a Visionary writing retreat a few weeks ago during the equinox and in there, a seed was planted, for my upcoming book: Naked (winning title for now but leaning into something else with current developments).

This other event in Nashville has been where that seed has started to emerge from the soil. The little first sprout you see in a plant. That one.

I went to Avalon to connect with the magic and, since then, it has been present in my life and it presented as well in Nashville.

You may know by now that I am shifting identity or, rather, career...(or probably rather life?). I have been hinting at all of this for a long time in the last few years. I have written about it, made videos about it...(and more to come). I have just reached a point in my life where I can no longer live if it is not by the truth 🤷🏽‍♀️

And the truth is... I've outgrown the whole game big time. The online content machine. And this time I mean it in a way I haven't before.

My current state of being

Well, let me explain. This is not exactly what it seems though.

There is an upcoming video (I wanna make it a documentary! The audacity! haha) where I’ll be talking about this with real depth.

Let me also tell you that I am making really big changes in everything I am doing including this Substack, so you know. And since I am in truth-telling mode tonight... if you've been on the fence about the paid subscription, now would be a bloody good time. No thirst trap required, just me asking like a normal human being.

The Buffalo

I will never condemn pornography or sexual fantasy right off the bat. These two things are neutral and it is (as it usually is with everything) the use/misuse/abuse you incur when you consume it’s what makes the difference.

Saying that, I won’t be advocating for ‘sex worker’s’ rights or the normalization of pornography either, if you know what I mean.

That is not my battle to fight.

However, my battle is Truth and integrity and what has been a burden for me and the root of all contradictions with the online adult work has not been the fact of having nudity behind a paywall.

I have always seen that as ethically and morally correct (I know most people don’t see it like that) because, in my case, is done consciously and even with compassion.

So, in that respect, I don’t think is wrong per se, I am just tired of it all.

The real issue has been the promotion of that type of ‘spicy’ content.

The terrain is the social media platforms where the strategy has become really aggressive and the whole ‘thirst trap’ business has gotten out of control. You can see boobs and booty every-fucking-where on Instagram (well, that is if you engage with that type of content of course).

And again...let’s not condemn this behavior per se… (yet).

If you’re a woman with humongous tits/ass and you have a spicy page and you want subscribers so you post this type of content and those who like it, engage and ‘click the link’ choose freely to subscribe or not. Simple.

Well, yes, but that is a very simplistic explanation and even childish if you ask me. The problem is in what foundations this whole process occurs, what’s the benefit for each part involved and, certainly, the ethics and integrity around it.

And that is where I started feeling off about this whole thing when I saw beyond the veil as it were after my spiritual awakening a few years back.

What seems to be harmless is really a huge fiasco where loneliness and disconnection in men is commoditized and taken advantage of. Then we go into the fake intimacy promise, the draining of wallets as common practice and the literally zero compassion or care for the greater good but just the own self.

I literally heard somebody say in a chat: “I don’t give a shit about anyone, all I want is to make as much money as possible so my kids don’t have to work their entire lives” and I was like...

That’s so wrong, man!

Here’s the world we have created in plain sight. 🤦🏽‍♀️

I don’t want to be a part of that anymore. I just can’t. I do care about the state of the world. A lot. I care about human beings and here’s what came to my mind after I read that statement:

Do I really want my kids to be filthy rich in a world like this with people like this?

And the answer is fucking NO!

Those are not the values I stand for and those are not the values I want to pass onto anyone else.

And you’ll be wondering...

What has this gotta do with Nashville? I wonder that too but my fingers keep writing in flow, sorry. Well, something else happened in Nashville…

There was a blind draw of a spirit animal for each of the participants in the event and it is said that these totems carry the energy you need at that moment and that they choose you.

A white buffalo chose me.

Now, I didn’t know much about it at the time so I looked it up and... wow!

The white buffalo is one of the most sacred symbols in Native American tradition, especially for the Lakota people. It comes from an old legend about a woman called White Buffalo Calf Woman who appeared to the Lakota during a time of starvation and taught them how to pray and how to live in connection with the earth and with each other. Before she left, she turned into a white buffalo calf and said she’d return when the world needed a big change.

A white buffalo is born roughly once in every ten million births. Let that sink in. Ten million.

So when one appears, it means: your prayers are being heard, change is coming, and it’s time to get back into alignment with what is true.

Hope. Renewal. The end of one cycle and the beginning of something more honest.

And I am standing there in Nashville holding this little figure in my hand thinking... are you fucking kidding me? Because that is literally what I have been feeling for ages!. That something is dying and something is being born and I can either keep clinging to the old thing or I can trust what is asking to come through.

The white buffalo didn’t just choose me. It confirmed what I already knew but didn’t have the guts to fully say out loud yet (I tried in a few videos, 😅).

I am done feeding a machine that profits from loneliness. I am done plastering the internet with content that has no soul just because it sells. I am done participating in something that, at its core, treats human desire as a transaction and nothing more.

Not because it’s wrong for everyone. But because it is wrong for me. Now. At this stage. With what I know and who I am becoming.

The buffalo said: it’s time. And honestly? I already knew. I just needed the universe to say it back to me in the most unlikely place, in the most unlikely form.

So yeah. Nashville did that.

Here’s my final reflection.

I invite you to do this exercise with yourself and your own life choices.

Imagine yourself being on your death bed and saying (in my case):

“I made as much money as I could, out of the loneliness of some men by plastering the internet with meaningless thirst trappy content to ONLY my own advantage”

Versus

“I did as much as I could to leave this world in a better place than I found it”

I don’t know about you but I choose the second one.

Love and Yee haw!!

Eva :)