Why married women stop wanting sex
but don't tell the truth about it
If you’re a woman between 30 and up to 99, I wanna write this for you. If you’re a man (and I were you) I would read it. Always a bonus to get access to a woman’s mind. You’re welcome.
Why older than 30?
Well, if what I am about to say applies to you and you’re younger…just wow, the matter may be worse than I think.
Why do women stop wanting sex?
Last night I watched a (mediocre and ridiculous - yes, I judge, I am human) BBC documentary on Youtube about sexless marriages.
There is a Sex therapist and two couples where the woman has lost desire and does not want to have sex with the husband so the relationship is miserable and so are they.
The younger couple is in their 30s and they have sex twice a year or so. The husband nearly left a year ago because of that and the wife is worried and wants to do something about it so they go to therapy.
First of all, let me tell you what I see and the documentary totally ignores.
They have a daughter. Both work full time but she does night shifts so they see each other one hour per day.
She comes back from work when he gets up and, when he comes back from work, spends like an hour with wife and daughter and then she leaves.
Imagine that life.
I would not only lose desire for sex, I would lose the will to live, just saying.
However, there’s always the weekend, right?
One would think that after a week of not even seeing each other, they would be looking forward to the weekend together and that, if weekdays are definitely not a good time to have sex, at least the typical Saturday night shag would be a great opportunity but no… too tired, not bothered, basically, “leave me alone”.
He jokes saying the bedroom is dead - she giggles - and then he says he nearly left and that he feels rejected.
Here is when it gets interesting.
The therapist talks to her alone first.
She says that he is not tender to her or makes any efforts to approach her and that he just wants IT (the sex) and that all of that has made her distance and avoid any intimacy so she rejects him.
Is it me or that is a contradiction?
So…he does not make any effort and only wants IT and, at the same time, I reject him the moment he tries?
I did not hear the therapist bring this up at all. Instead, they went to her past experiences with men and found that she had a few bad relationships from the age of 15 (who didn’t!) and had felt forced to have sex when she did not want to, just because he (the partner at that time) wanted.
Please note the words: she “felt” forced not “was” forced. The conversation wasn’t referring to non-consensual sex (or rape) but more of agreeing to have sex so he stopped asking.
DUTY SEX
That’s called “duty sex”.
Where is the subtle line crossed there? Because I have been exactly there too and, I dare to say, every single married woman has too at some point (am I wrong?).
That time (or times) where the last thing you’re thinking about is to have sex and would rather curdle up in bed and sleep 9 hours in a row but, instead, your husband advances and places his hand on your hip, kisses your neck, slides the hand up to your titty…and then you think: “Oh no, please don’t, not now”.
BUT you know you haven’t had sex in a couple of months (or however long) and you have rejected him a handful of times lately and, in a way, you understand that if you say no again, he’s going to be pissed off - probably with good reason if you’re not communicating properly about it - so, what do you do?
You respond positively, finding his lips and grabbing his dick with the hope that it ends as quickly as possible so you can get back to sleep in peace.
Is that no-consent?
Is that OK?
My take: It is Ok if it happens occasionally, of course, and, in fact, I am sure other women agree that, sometimes we are just lazy and, once you start, you end up enjoying it too. All good here.
It is NOT okay if that is the default mode in the relationship, like my parents and grandparents’ were.
Don’t believe anything I say, just make your own conclusions. The reason I mention this is because in the documentary, it is not like they find in therapy that she has some sort of childhood trauma or anything, I mean, all quite “normal” stuff in there.
Back to the therapist.
What she tells them to do (and here my jaw dropped) is to have a flirty date night but banning them from having sex. And she also tells her to read erotica.
Sarcasm Button On -
“Because, obviously, they cannot figure this out on their own and need to pay someone else to tell them” -
Sarcasm Button Off.
The documentary (absurdly scripted) shows how they have a date night in their garden. He cooks and she does not drop the erotica book even when they are sitting at the table with candles (like wtf!).
They are drinking wine and, clearly, get tipsy.
What happens next? They disobey the therapist and have sex and, in the wife’s own words: “it is mind-blowing sex”. The best sex she’s ever had in her life.
I am not being skeptical here, I am being extremely skeptical, to be more precise.
What was that? Was it the theatrical date night or it would have been enough to share a bottle of wine? Who cares, right?
The documentary finishes with them going on a picnic as if it was a Audrey Hepburn and Cary Grant 60s movie. They are all flirty, holding hands, cuddling each other (well, she is a better actress than he is) and that’s it.
Come on! Get outta here!
Do you see what I see? I bet you those two are now divorced or, if not, as miserable as they looked one month before the therapy.
Because, oh yes, that’s also interesting. All that miracle seems to happen after around one month of therapy.
Now my version
Romantic love is a scam.
It is like going out and drinking 5 margaritas. You have the time of your life, a super fun night with laughter, maybe dancing, flirting… the night is great.
The next morning you feel like shit, your head hurts, you realize you spent way too much money so you curse the tequila, the laughter, the club, your stupid lightheaded friend who kept ordering shots and just want to close your eyes and go back to the moment you left the house the day before and turn around put your comfy clothes on and stay in.
Don’t get me wrong, romantic love is an amazing adventure, you know? Getting ready, making sure you’re shaved and clean down-there, new underwear… you can’t wait to see him and have sex because that’s the only thing that seems to matter when you’re under that spell.
Because it is a spell and it wears off, like the midnight clock striking in Cinderella’s story.
But this society has made it into the foundation of a story ending in marriage. How preposterous is that!?
And what happens is that, instead of losing the crystal shoe on our way back to the carriage, we lose our fucking mind and actually believe that, because we feel that lust for that person in that period, we are ready to sign a contract for life!
Okay, okay, I know what you’re thinking:
“Noooo, I did not get married when I was ‘in love’, we were together for a few years already and everything was great, we had a baby and we were an awesome little family and sex wasn’t a problem at all”.
That may be true but then, what happened?
I’ll tell you, won’t I?
What happened is that life is constantly changing, nothing in the Universe is static. And if, as a human being who came here to earth to evolve, you stay put in a thing called marriage which is based on made-up assumptions and ridiculous expectations, what’s actually going to happen is that you end up feeling like you’re half living a life, like there has to be more to it than just…that.
You lose the spark, you lose desire, not only sexual desire but desire for life and end up in a spiral downwards where it only tends to get worse, never better.
Why? Because the moment you start thinking: “there’s gotta be more to this”...you automatically feel guilty and a failure.
That’s programming, that’s not you, is your mind talking you out of that curiosity.
Your soul is the one inquiring, your mind shuts it down and being incoherent is how most of the population live nowadays.
I might not be answering the question I came here to answer:
Why do women stop wanting sex?
Because we fall out of love with our partners. Because we love them dearly (if they are not assholes) but we lose the desire for what is familiar.
It is life and the way it works for us, humans.
We have an ego that we need to survive and we acquire roles once we grow up and leave the parents cocoon.
We become independent adults and then we identify ourselves with “the girlfriend”, “the friend”, “the therapist”, “the accountant”, “the whatever”...and then, when you enter the hamster wheel of life by following that particular script: “the wife” and then “the mother”... it involves so much giving and so little receiving that the next logical step is wondering who the fuck is that guy snoring next to you who wants you to behave like the younger and wishful version of you who went to that ball and lost the shoe…and what you are actually craving is yourself and your freedom.
The thing I don’t hear anybody say is that you don’t lose the desire for sex, you lose the desire for that person who has become too familiar.
Sexual desire requires curiosity and mystery and that is next to impossible to get in a traditional model of marriage.
But people don’t admit this.
Also, some people might not have the opportunity to test my theory if they never meet anyone who makes them “feel alive again”.
Falling in love is not that easy, especially now, that our lives happen on screens most of the time. But, to those who might be thinking I am talking nonsense… wait and see once you start getting your underwear wet again with a new person, let’s talk then about who has lost the desire for sex.
Romantic love is a scam, yes, but is part of life also. It’s just that it was mixed up with building a family and expecting it to be sacred and forever. Forever.
Women don’t stop wanting sex. Women stop wanting sex with the same person forever.
Prove me wrong.
Eva :)