I can barely type - buzz! exaggeration button on - because I have been painting for 4 hours straight. Remembering how to live in the real world, where no screen is involved, I honestly feel much better but extremely tired.
It has been nearly 2 years since I moved into this house and, although I have got a few things done like replacing old disgusting carpets with laminate - my ex did that for me, by the way - and other bits and bobs, the truth is the house and, especially the garden, had been totally ignored.
Just like the rest of my life.
I am only starting to talk more about the incredible burnout I went through after 7 years of grinding online and being consumed by the hamster wheel of productivity and success.
It is not talked about enough.
What I have realized is that what people normally call ‘the hamster wheel’ is usually attributed to the 9-5 jobs or so-called corporate ladder and, apparently, being smart means to quit that shit and become an entrepreneur of sorts.
That way you can be your own boss and make lots of money. I mean, like…lots.
Lots cannot even be defined because it’s never going to be enough anyway, right? so it really doesn’t matter.
I talked about some of this in this sarcastic article about how to grow on Substack and I showed you that disclaimer from a webinar I attended where it very clearly said: “you probably won’t get any results buying my product” and I have been thinking a lot about that.
Looking back at these last seven years of my online adventure I realize I have spent thousands of dollars trying to get someone smarter than me to ‘teach’ me the magic trick that would make me better at YouTube, at Substack, at whatever, and would help me get to another level (I don’t even know where, if I am honest).
And the reason for this was that, the adult entertainment business I already had (and was very profitable), felt exhausting and soulless and I did not want to do it anymore.
Now I realize that job is the most honest job you’ll ever encounter online.
I also explained “how it works” in this other article if you’re curious.
Now………………………….
Following Cathy Reisenwitz’s article about ‘influencing’ and very much in line with my story and my current “influencer in rehab” mode, I just wanna have my say.
First, she’s absolutely on point as usual and I am a fan. Read her if you want true, honest writing. Hers is one of the very few publications I follow and actually read.
Why? Because she writes from her heart and not with a hidden agenda (which, online, very often means the only intention is eventually selling you something).
To make this clear: I am not against “selling” at all.
We all need to make a living somehow and pay our bills and, when you can actually offer any sort of value to another human being (normies, as Cathy calls them 😅) it is only fair you charge for your time, expertise…
…or, your nudity.
Nothing wrong with that in my understanding (the prudes won’t agree with my last word, not that I care).
But, being predatory? That’s another story. And one that I am finding increasingly difficult to tolerate in a healthy way lately, as more and more shit seems to be coming out from under the rug during this strange change of era we are all going through.
I won’t rage here about those predators but, if you’re interested, an article is coming out shortly. I am in investigation mode gathering evidence.
Soul
I know this word puts off many people and pulls in many others.
First, there are no human words to describe what it is (although many try) so, here’s my own definition:
“Your soul is that ‘knowing’ that you feel instantly”
There you go. Nobel Prize coming my way, please.
And I think we live in the world we live in partly because most people ignore it, reject it or, in the worst cases, don’t even know it exists.
I hope I am not sounding too vague.
Let me illustrate with an example we can all relate to.
You are in a long-term relationship and at some point, one day you get an intuitive hit (another name for ‘that knowing’) that says:
“Hmm…something is off here”.
But, you have been with them for X years, you have a house, probably a mortgage, maybe kids and a long list of etc. and the second you begin to think about breaking all that apart, feels like walking through a Tibetan bridge after drinking seven margaritas (aka impossible).
So you turn your attention away from that voice and carry on with your life.
(nothing wrong with that, by the way, just know that the voice gets louder and eventually shit hits the fan in some shape or form).
Another example (one fewer readers may relate to, but which fits nicely with my current obsession with online marketing) is that moment when you’re sending an email or creating an offer to sell to your following and something inside you knows you’re not being 100% honest.
Or, if this were the olden days, perhaps it was the moment you knocked on someone’s door with your wildly overpriced hoover tucked under your arm.
Same thing.
Just to make clear what I mean and a little peek into my next investigation article:
I recently came across a sales page using the now-familiar tactic of presenting something as being “worth” £2,997 before dramatically reducing the price.
That £2,997 is a made-up figure.
It exists to anchor your perception of value so that the actual price appears cheaper, more generous or harder to resist. It’s called marketing psychology.
In this particular case, I call it manipulation.
And that is the part I am struggling with because somehow this is legal. Allowed. Accepted. Normal, even.
Meanwhile, you’re an honest grown-up woman who sells BDSM content out of your own conscious choice and with full integrity (and now I mention my other favorite writer on Substack Ariel Anderssen who also is here writing from her heart) and you’re scrutinized, judged, stigmatized and pointed at as if you are the devil.
I have written a lot about this society’s rotten standards and values in different articles which, in my opinion, are fucking great but, because I am not selling you the ‘dream’ of growing on Substack and make $$, I am not famous.
And on top of that, I am, like Ariel, perceived by plenty of people as some sort of fourth- or fifth-category human because I sell nudity and tend to tell the truth about things the herd would rather look away from.
So four and a half people read or like my shit - buzz! exaggeration button on again!
I have never before been more okay with that, though. Finally.
I have now jumped out of that hamster wheel of ‘productivity’ and ‘chasing the carrot’ madness and I am ready to just show up with soul in everything I do and share.
And that is what getting off the hamster wheel actually looks like (for me at least).
It’s not moving to Bali and meditating at sunrise (and then posting on Instagram) and not even deleting every social-media account.
It’s simply reaching a point where you stop running because everyone else is running and stop mistaking productivity for a meaningful life.
You sell something when you genuinely have something you want to sell (and for the fucking right price!).
That thing I showed you? I would probably have bought it for $27. Just sell it to me for $27. Don’t invent a fantasy value 100 times higher so you can manipulate me into believing I’m getting the deal of my life.
That’s the difference. I don’t mind being sold to. I mind being played.
You create when you genuinely have something you want to say.
You work when there is work worth doing.
And sometimes you paint your shed for four hours because your garden has been waiting for you for two years.
Turns out the hamster wheel only works while you still care about the carrot. I don’t care that much anymore.
Love,
Eva ✨
Then where are we going from there?